Time in your weekly version of the Defector Funbag. Got one thing in your thoughts? Email the Funbag. And purchase Drew’s ebook, The Night The Lights Went Out, when you’re at it. Today, we’re speaking about weddings, foul balls, coaches with terrible style in popular culture, and extra.Your letters:Lexa:Which automaker has the ugliest automobiles? Not the ugliest single automobile, however of all their fashions, who has the worst-looking automobile fleet? I do know aesthetics are subjective however I simply do not perceive Jaguars. They look ugly as shit to me. Honorable point out: Tesla.This is a tough query to reply as a result of security laws, and a common lack of creativeness on the a part of automakers, have resulted in most new automobiles trying practically equivalent to at least one one other, proper right down to the trim. I personal a Hyundai and I’ve gotten it confused with numerous Mazdas, Acuras, Toyotas, and even BMWs. So when a make stands out, I’m nearly grateful for it, even when the make in query is ugly.But I’ve an definitive reply for Lexa, and it’s a shock: Jeep. Jeep used to make a few of the greatest trying, coolest automobiles out on the street, with the enduring grille to go together with them. The grille is all that continues to be, as a result of the automobiles themselves at the moment are BRUTAL. Jeep introduced again the Wagoneer in 2022, and I hoped that it will appear to be, you understand, a Wagoneer. Maybe they’ll even convey again the wooden paneling, I believed. Wrong. They made the Wagoneer into each different Republican SUV. It’s large, it’s offended, and it might as effectively have a Thin Blue Line flag painted throughout each side. A fucking abomination.The different present Jeep fashions are not any higher. They took the Wrangler and made it into a conceit pickup known as Gladiator that provides off even stronger dipshit vibes than the Wrangler does. The Grand Cherokee appears like a Lincoln now. And the common Cherokee appears like a rental automobile. Every time I spot a Jeep on the street, I wanna strangle whoever determined to make them appear to be each different Chevroford, more-is-more, American piece-of-shit automobile.Jags nonetheless look cool to me, although. They’re at all times within the store, however no less than they’ll catch my eye whereas they’re up there on the raise.Aaron:Fuck weddings. Weddings ought to be a deeply non-public occasion, depart me out of it! If you need to get married, I’m joyful for you and want you the perfect of luck. But why does the marriage itself must contain making your whole family and friends spoil a wonderfully good Saturday (or weekend if I’ve to journey!) simply to have fun the truth that YOU’RE so fuckin’ joyful? Weddings ought to be between you, your companion, and god or the universe or no matter. I at all times go and let my family members know I’m joyful for them and fake I’m joyful to be there, however in actuality I simply need to watch soccer at house in my chair. Am I a goddamn psychopath for considering this?Less a psychopath and extra an inexpensive, delinquent prick. I’m like anybody else in that I’ve a beef with the wedding-industrial complicated, with all of its prices, its attendant social tasks, and its needy brides and grooms. And I chafe at far-flung vacation spot weddings. But to be towards weddings completely? No, I haven’t reached that stage of nihilism, and I by no means will. I’ve already handed over sufficient of my soul to the void. I already watch PLENTY of soccer at house in my chair. I log onto social media although all folks need to do on social media now’s struggle. I’ve delay speaking to my spouse as a result of I’ve been in the course of a tense Yazy sport towards a bot. I’ve steadily changed having an precise social life, with flesh and blood mates, with the habits of a serial killer. So I might fucking LEAP to attend a marriage proper now. I want it like I want air.There’s no flawed strategy to get married, however the concept that a marriage ought to be deeply non-public goes towards the very thought of the ceremony. A marriage is you and your betrothed declaring your everlasting love to a different in entrance of witnesses together with officers, your mates, household, and your dad and mom’ worst mates. At its core, it’s a celebration of affection. A spreading of affection, which is an inherently good factor. A needed factor, given how self-isolated and depressing many individuals have grow to be within the digital age.And it solely lasts a weekend. How weekends do you get in your life? How lots of them do you outright waste? And you’re telling me that having somebody ask you to make use of a type of weekends to be there for the happiest second of their life is impolite? Get your shit collectively, Aaron. Weddings are good, and for those who can’t get that by your head, then know what? Don’t go. Indulge your interior misanthrope. Stay house and be joyful in your cynicism. You’d simply kill the get together anyway.Michael:I’m about to show 42 and observed that over the previous 12 months, I’ve attended extra memorials than anything; weddings, showers, and many others. As somebody who has a couple of years on me, is that this regular? Or are my mates and associates dying at abnormally excessive charge? See for this reason I may use a marriage, Michael. You get to my age and the weddings and child showers simply cease. The final wedding ceremony I attended was in 2019, and that was the primary wedding ceremony I’d been to in a decade, if not longer. Any wedding ceremony I’m going to now’s gonna be a second wedding ceremony. Any child bathe that I attend will probably be one I’ve been invited to by mistake.This is regular in my universe as a result of all of my mates are my age, in order that they acquired married and had youngsters proper across the similar time I did. I’m a type of individuals who needed to attend like 57 weddings in my 20s after which zero after that. If you have got an enormous prolonged household, or you have got a buddy group with a wildly numerous age vary, otherwise you’re Mormon, my state of affairs might be NOT regular to you. You’re in all probability nonetheless going to church basement wedding ceremony receptions thrice each spring. That in all probability helps counterbalance all the funerals and memorials that inevitably come as you go by center age.Because these do come ultimately, and never on a set schedule. The undeniable fact that I’ve to attend for somebody to die to attend my subsequent massive gathering is God’s approach of telling me YOU SHOULD THROW MORE PARTIES, DICKHEAD. You gotta fill these interim years with as a lot pleasure as you possibly can……which suggests it’s the proper time for me to remind you that Roth and I are internet hosting a LIVE episode of The Distraction in New York subsequent month! No one is dying, however everybody goes to fucking RAGE. So you get your tickets right here and are available out to Brooklyn for the best night time of your life. And sure, Roth and I do plan on tying the knot that night.Mike:Never been a giant concertgoer (age 42) however I’ve began seeing extra reveals, significantly of the enduring boomer selection (McCartney, Springsteen, and many others), partly to see them dwell earlier than they amble off to the good past. Any artists/bands you missed that you may have realistically seen? Any in your bucket record?Here’s one other joyful mass gathering to make a daily a part of your life. I’ve gone to extra concert events post-pandemic than I did earlier than it struck, and I’m not alone in having fun with these concert events on a deeper, extra existential degree than I ever have. Every live performance I’ve gone to since 2020 has been the best live performance I’ve ever been to, a lot in order that I’ve mentally revised my standards for attending one. I used to skip out on going to concert events in the event that they have been too costly, or if I’d already seen the band earlier than, or I didn’t just like the venue, or if the band in query was not cool. Fuck all that. If I really like the band and so they’re on the town, I’m going. I don’t even care if I’ve to go alone (which is normally what finally ends up occurring), as a result of I can’t keep in mind the final time I attended any live performance and regretted it.I’ve made my peace with the truth that I’ll by no means have the ability to see sure bands dwell, Hüsker Dü foremost amongst them, as a result of key members of these bands died earlier than I’ve. But if energetic legends like Metallica swing by D.C. once more (they missed right here on their newest tour … feels private), I’m paying Ticketbastard their pound of flesh. I haven’t seen Metallica dwell since 1989. Same cope with Def Leppard, who at the moment are at all times on the nostalgia circuit enjoying joints just like the Fargodome. If they arrive my approach once more, I don’t care what number of rednecks will probably be there. I simply wanna get excessive and sing “Pour Some Sugar On Me,” off-key, on the high of my lungs.And there are different dwell acts that I’ve by no means seen—Iron Maiden!—whose tour itineraries I’m additionally keeping track of. This isn’t a midlife disaster, though I’ve had my fair proportion of these. This is simply me getting wiser. You ought to by no means be afraid to have enjoyable.I’ll skip the Springsteen, although. Go to any Springsteen live performance and there’s an opportunity he performs for 17 straight hours. That’s not as alluring to me at 46 because it was at 26.Darren:Drew, I do know you have written about Cocaine Bear and wished to share this press launch with you, Darren.I’ve by no means written about Cocaine Bear, though I heard it was terrible.Peter:My spouse and I just lately moved to my hometown of Cleveland. When we arrived, we discovered that our neighbor is a member of the Browns teaching workers (not a coordinator, however nonetheless somebody moderately vital). While I grew up a Browns fan, the Deshaun Watson commerce fully soured me on the workforce, and I watched quite a bit much less NFL general final season. When I meet this neighbor/coach, ought to I categorical an opinion about Watson if the topic of soccer arises? It’s not as if this particular person is a congressman whose place nominally includes accepting unsolicited suggestions from strangers. But when so many followers are loudly flippant about Watson’s crimes, it’d really feel like a missed alternative to stay silent.I’d convey it up if the chance arises. I wouldn’t storm over to the coach’s home and scream ENABLER at him, as a result of then I’d have neighbor issues for the remainder of my life. I’ve had neighbor issues earlier than; you don’t need them. But if I’m speaking ball with this coach and he asks me if I’m a Browns fan, I’d be each sincere and ingratiating. I’d say, “I was a fan, however with Watson right here I’ve kinda soured on them. Sorry to let you know that.” That’s a reasonably delicate approach of phrasing it. You’re telling him the reality, however not implicating him, does that make sense? And then if he took umbrage with my distaste for his QB, I’d rapidly change the topic to weddings. This is as a result of I’m a coward.HALFTIME![embedded content] Edward:Are you happy along with your cooking expertise as they exist now? Do you continue to attempt to be taught new methods, or perhaps strive a very bold recipe? I discover that I’m at all times searching for methods to enhance my cooking, the place do you stand on that?The pandemic killed quite a lot of my cooking motivation. Making your individual bread sucks, and you’ll solely cook dinner your self so many isolation dinners earlier than you simply wanna exit for a burger.Also, practically everybody in my household has a dietary restriction, none of which align with each other. My daughter is vegetarian. My spouse needed to go on a gluten-free AND histamine-free weight loss program (not her selection, I guarantee you). And each of my sons at all times need to eat dorm-room shit: fries, pizza, ramen, fried hen, and many others. So cooking dinner at my home is an exhausting train now, that includes a number of dishes and no less than one unhappy buyer by meal’s finish. I don’t get testy about this type of shit anymore, however I can also’t be like FUCK IT I’M MAKIN’ ENCHILADAS! on a given night time, both. That makes life tough on my cooking muscle tissue. So I’m very happy to not cook dinner lately, as a result of it’s extra a job than a interest.But you understand who’s joyful to cook dinner on this home? The 11-year-old. The boy has made his personal mochi, his personal milkshakes, his personal sushi, his personal dumplings, you identify it. Whatever culinary drive I as soon as possessed he now has in spades, and it’s been deeply satisfying to witness. The boy understands that for those who can cook dinner something, you possibly can eat something, anytime you need. The import of this energy isn’t misplaced on him.This is the 12 months I noticed that I’ve spent my life surreptitiously making ready to show my youngsters all the issues that I understand how to do effectively. My daughter is engaged on her frequent app essay for school, and I’ve been giving her rounds of line edits on it. I’ve been writing for many years now, and it looks like the one motive I’ve carried out all that writing was to assist her write this single, crucial essay. I’m passing torches in every single place and discovering the that means of life within the course of. Once these youngsters are out of the home, then MAYBE I lastly discover ways to make my very own tortillas. But for now, my ambitions belong to them and them alone.(A fast apart: I used to be house alone the opposite night time and, on a whim, ordered takeout for myself. This was the primary time I’d ordered takeout at my home with out having to seek the advice of anybody else dwelling there, and it was INCREDIBLE. I used to be like am I actually doing this? Is this even authorized? It was, and it was scrumptious. Four stars.)Clark:I awoke at 4:30am with an thought so brilliantly dumb that I knew I needed to share it with you and the Funbag commentariat. What if NFL house owners may make in-game purchases with actual cash, like the remainder of us do after we play video video games? I’m considering of football-related choices like:Buying an extra timeoutChallenging a penalty Game proceeds with out evaluation after their workforce scores/makes a primary downThe first buy in a sport may value one thing like $100,000, after which every time the proprietor needs to purchase one thing new, a zero will get hooked up to the value.I don’t want loot bins in my soccer. Ever. If you ever begin off a pitch with, “I used to be impressed by the in-app purchases it’s important to make for iPhone video games!” you’ve misplaced me already. That’s some Ted Leonsis shit. And whereas I respect Clark’s funbaggian impulses, I additionally don’t need NFL video games determined by which house owners are keen to pay for a authorized mulligan (Jerry Jones) and which aren’t (Mike Brown). You’re not solely tilting the enjoying area, you’re making house owners energetic individuals within the consequence. And haven’t we had sufficient of those mummified assholes already? They get 10,000 luxurious field photographs each sport. They get blown by the colour guys. They hog for extra credit score than they deserve. I don’t wanna arrange an avenue the place they’ll declare much more credit score for his or her workforce successful.Yes, but when they spend $1,000,000 on an extra timeout and so they lose anyway, that’s humorous!For like 10 seconds, positive. But these guys have been deprogrammed for disgrace, in order that little schadenfreude excessive wouldn’t final lengthy. Thanks to the problem system, there’s already one too many facet video games inside an NFL sport. I need much less of these facet video games, no more. I simply wanna watch cool gamers do cool shit.Larry:I’m sitting by Hard Knocks, and what’s leaping out to me is how dated and terrible Nathaniel Hackett’s humorousness is. He renamed the crimson zone the “Gold Zone” after Goldmember. Evidently this humor performs effectively with Aaron Rodgers, however ought to he simply retire when Rodgers does? I can not think about him having the ability to relate to any youthful gamers. I suppose my query is: do you assume he’s extra the exception or the rule? I’m shocked anybody remembers Goldmember, not to mention actively reveres it. That film was worse than The Spy Who Shagged Me, and The Spy Who Shagged Me was a obtrusive piece of shit.But I anticipate nothing much less from my coaches. These males are too critical about soccer to have precise style in something. See for your self.SEC coaches favourite musical artists from @ActionNetworkHQAlabama’s Nick Saban: The Rolling StonesArkansas’ Sam Pittman: AerosmithAuburn’s Hugh Freeze: Eric ChurchFlorida’s Billy Napier: ColdplayGeorgia’s Kirby Smart: Luke BryanKentucky’s Mark Stoops: Toby KeithLSU’s…— Brett McMurphy (@Brett_McMurphy) August 27, 2023That’s a small pattern dimension, however I promise you that it’s adequate. I do know what nation I dwell in. I sit back in a hipster on-line world the place nobody listens to nation music or watches CBS sitcoms, however that’s not America. America is these males. They drive self-importance pickups and quote Expend4bles to at least one one other and hearken to the shittiest nation music ever heard outdoors of Guantanamo Bay. In this manner, and maybe solely this manner, Nathaniel Hackett matches proper in.By the way in which, I’m not joyful that Aaron Rodgers tore his Achilles. This is as a result of I’d want he be humiliated on the sector, honest and sq.. But it’d be VERY humorous if Nathaniel Hackett burned the home down in Denver in lower than one season, discovered himself within the cushiest attainable spot afterward—new workforce, lower-pressure job, a very good QB who wished him aboard—and burned the home down AGAIN in only one sequence. This man went from zero to Kotite in a matter of seconds. It’s astounding. I wouldn’t belief him to ship my groceries.Tom:Is Purdy simply new Tebow? I didn’t know Purdy was a Jesus freak till your 49ers preview. This kind of explains why his buying and selling playing cards are through the roof costly. So now I assume he’s going to suck mondo ass after which get lionized when he will get benched. Judging by the present pattern dimension, Brock Purdy doesn’t suck. He would possibly even be legit, and doubtless is. That’s a key distinction from Tim Tebow, on condition that Tebow confirmed, proper from the beginning, that he couldn’t function a correct NFL passing offense. Also, Purdy in all probability has some appalling politics, however he’s nowhere close to as showy along with his religion as Tebow was and is. Tebow’s complete deal is being Public Christian Number One. By distinction, Purdy seems content material to be the scrappy little underdog turned play-action murderer. So he’s not the subsequent Tebow.(I reserve to the appropriate to disown this take if Purdy wins a Super Bowl and makes use of the second to proudly endorse Ron DeSantis.)Jake:Am I insane, or is there a drawback to getting a giant first half lead in right this moment’s NFL? You incentivize the opposite workforce to go, which is simpler to tear off chunk performs whereas encouraging your protection to turtle.Roster parity within the NFL is so widespread that no lead is ever actually secure. But that’s completely different from saying that taking a lead is a nasty thought. You need the lead. You shouldn’t be giddy in case your workforce is down 17-0 within the first quarter. Maybe the sport evens out, however for those who’re enjoying an opponent that is aware of what it’s doing, they’re NOT gonna turtle on protection. They’re gonna unleash the hounds in your poor quarterback after which flip him right into a grease stain on the turf, the way in which the Cowboys did to Daniel Jones on Sunday Night. How many instances have you ever heard a coloration man implore the workforce with the result in preserve their foot on the fuel? 1,000,000? They’re by no means flawed to say it. If you sit on any lead, parity will come for it. But I’m not gonna sit right here and begin making “14-0 is essentially the most harmful lead in soccer!” jokes due to that.Zach:I’ve two objectives in life that I have never achieved but: Compete on Jeopardy!, and catch a foul ball and casually toss it to a child at a baseball sport. The tossing it to a child factor is a giant a part of it, and I used to be questioning: Is it ever acceptable for an grownup to maintain a foul ball they catch? Or ought to it’s obligatory that they go it off to a child? Does it matter if it is a house run vs. foul ball? Thanks.It’s OK to maintain the ball, any ball, as long as the cameras don’t catch you doing it. If the cameras spot you refusing to provide the ball to Zack Hample Jr., your life is over.If it have been me, I’d give the ball to a child as long as the child was close by and made a very good effort to catch the ball his or herself. But if I catch it clear and a few little punk from 20 rows again comes over and asks me to provide it up? No. Fuck that child. I’ll give that little shit a backhand, is what I’ll give him.Email of the week!Fred:As a younger child with nervousness (that, to at the present time, continues to be considerably crippling), nothing churned my abdomen tougher than having to make use of the loos in our small-town Illinois college. In third grade, the toilet was behind the category, behind a plywood door that offered next-to-no safety from the odor or sound. That made it particularly onerous on me on an exquisite fall day after I’d had 4 McDonald’s hash browns for lunch, and nothing else.As my bubble intestine percolated over the last interval of the day, I requested the trainer to make use of the toilet. To my dismay, the most popular woman at school was assigned to a seat DIRECTLY subsequent to the toilet. I could not probably shit again there and have any probability together with her, so I went within the rest room and tried doing my enterprise quietly however discovered it not possible. So I did not poop. I simply held it, like some sort of moron with a sizzling liquid demise want.In that very same small city and countryside, we solely had a couple of buses to take youngsters house. Some youngsters needed to journey so long as 75 minutes to get house. By the time my cease got here, 35 minutes into the journey, I used to be able to burst: a deep respiration, eyes-closed, tour-de-force of intestinal ache. Once I used to be out of sight of the bus, I started sprinting throughout a literal cornfield for house. But an excessive amount of time had handed, and I fired the weapons of Navarone immediately in my pants, crying in aid on the candy freedom that my inner organs have been experiencing. I twirled in a shit twister like I used to be within the goddamn Sound of Music. When I lastly made it house throughout the fields, like a war-torn Yankee coming again after Gettysburg, I went to the yard, peeled my underwear off like a strip of dried paint, and rinsed myself head-to-toe with our backyard hose. At that very second, my mother was coming house from work, and I used to be nonetheless holding a biohazard. Somehow, I did not assume to additionally rinse my underwear. Instead I put them, and the remainder of my garments, in my favourite Ninja Turtles canvas bag and threw the bag so far as I may into the nook of our attic, the place it remained for practically 20 years till my dad and mom put in new insulation.I later discovered the bag, light however washed, tucked beneath my childhood mattress on the primary night my very own son was large enough to sleep in it. No thought what occurred to the underwear. Actually I’ve them now. They match like a dream.
First seem at Which Automaker Has The Ugliest Cars?